Ive made up my mind..

Dont need to think it over.

I am NOT wrong I AM right.

Dont need to look no further…

Hah. I love Adelle. But YES. I have made up my mind.

--I cant believe this is my second blog. I am lagging. Laggy McLaggerson. Welll.. I made other blogs but never got to finish them. GG.

So anyway. I have made up my mind. About what? About love. I juss recently…I dont wanna say wasted my time..but I juss got out of..I dunno if you should even call it a relation ship--but I was talking to a guy and we were always together, and if you saw us in the streets or whatever, you would think we were a couple.

Man I digress. Im sorry. So I was talking to a guy, and we were good for about three weeks, and out of no where he tells me we need to slow down. Like we were already holding hands, and kissing, and what not. But what makes me upset is that hes the one who made the first moves, and I was okay with it..AND! like a week before he tells me we should slow down, I asked him--Remember this--I ASKED HIM, if we should slow down. And he tells me "Nah, I think were fine. Juss keep doing your thing." And I say, "Are you sure?" and he says "Yea" with a smile on his face.

Can someone tell me why guys are so CONFUSING. But honestly, I think he is scared to commit/ be in a relationship. Like I got really upset about the "Lets slow down" thing. It made me mad cuz, I was already ready to give him my heart? I dont know how to put it into words, but I was ready to juss…how do you say this…like commit my self, like be in a relationship again and to juss ignore all the other potential guys. You know?

Like Ive talked to many guys, but I havent felt like that, in such a long time. You know? Ill like guys, but they wont be someone I juss wanna be in relationship with. This guy was someone I felt so comfortable around, and when he told me to slow down, it felt like I couldnt be myself any more. So I decided I wont try to talk to him anymore. But if he wants to hit me up, ill talk to him or whatever. But I am not devoting anymore feelings or time into him anymore.

And this happend like.. four days ago? No--five. So yeaaa.

This is where the "Ive made up my mind" comes in. I have been talking to alot of my girl friends and I just came to decision that--FOR REAL this time--I am not going to settle for less. At all. I honestly think I deserve better. I am not saying this because I am a stuck up B-word. But I wanna truly be happy, and I dont want to have any doubts and I dont want to have to worry about anything. Like for me, I think dating is just to experience what you want in a future mate. Right? Like I thought I found that with my first love--obviously (haha)---But I cant be with someone who Id have to force or convince to make their life better just for the sake of our children. I think I think about my future too much. hahah---Did I just say "I think I think"--I hope you understand what I meant hehe 0=]

I talked to my cousin about how I felt about finding another guy and about my standards and about this plan, but she says that you shouldnt have standards. Because "you never know what your missing and its being shallow". But the thing is, Ive NEVER been shallow. Okay sure, first when I see guys, but when I get to know people, Ill develop feelings--regardless of their looks. And not to be mean but none of my boyfriends were like OMGOSH status. So I am not shallow. And besides, I am not looking for my potential boyfriend or whatever to be handsome or good looking or whatever. I just want them to have the qualities I am really looking for.

Are you curious to what they are? Well here is the list--damn this sad..haha

Future Boyfriend:

-Christian or Catholic/ Has to Love God or can be open to learning about Him and converting x]

-Has to have a brain.

-Has goals

-Family oriented

-Respectful

-Caring

-Friendly

-Sweet

-Funny

And thats it! Like thats all I really need. You may be thinking, "Really? Thats it? You liar."

Honestly, no. I am not lying. Yes I would like it if he could sing or if he could dance or if he was cute--but those are just bonuses. If I had a boyfriend, who was hot, and could dance and was athletic would I stil be happy if he wasnt respectful or caring or friendly. I dont think so.

Like my first boyfriend was almost all of those things, but he wasnt living for God, he questioned alot about God and the Bible and he didnt seem so open minded to learning about Him. And he also did not have goals and not really much of a brain. Okay that sounds shallow--"Someone who isnt smart Jesska? Geez." Now hear me out. Like I said I think about my future, and in which I think about my kids. I dont want them always coming to mommy cuz daddy sucks at Algebra. YOU FEEL ME?? xD He doesnt need to be a genius, but I dont want someone who has actually FAILED a class…TWICE. Gosh that sounded mean..But Im being foreal.

And YES I am passionate about my faith. And NO I am not a goody goody no cussing ever kind of person but I strive to follow His ways. I grew up Catholic and my family does not seem to really feel as strong about God as I do. And from what Ive learned through my youth group and other Chrtistians really made me more passionate about God. And I really want my kids to be too, though I am not gonna force them on it, I just want them to grow up with the right mind set--i guess. x] If that made sense.

But getting back on topic--I know alot of guys and they would almost it my standards but some of them would be disrespectful to other people and not care, or they were not goal or family oriented. But they were like great at singing or really good at dancing or drawing. But like I said, these qualities really mean alot to me and if they didnt have these qualities, my parents would not really want me to date them or even THINK about marrying them. So thats why Ive made up my mind.

And… Thats it. hahaha x]

If your reading this, what do you think? Is there any other reasons why I shouldnt limit my self? Or do you think this is a good idea? Let me know =]

First blog ever...Here are my current thoughts:

It is 4:37 am... I dont know why i am still awake...well actually i do...

I do want to sleep, but i dont really want to. I really dislike it when this happens =P "My minds tellings me no but my body, my body is telling me yessss"

ANY WAYSSS. x]

I just spent the past few hours i think its been hours.. well two..looking at the Ten Commandments...

Recently, i have been angry...angry at people...I dont like how people are now a days...well the people i know are juss giving a bad rep for everyone else. xP

I have been noticing how rude people are...how they dont like to say "hi" when you say "hi" to them...i dont know if they dont notice me or they dont like me...but i dont think they have a reason to dislike me..when im like really nice..or thats what i think xD but foreal. At least wave back! I dont care juss wave one second. THATS IT. I dont think i should over react to this, but i really dont like it. They arent like my best buddy or any thing but i feel that it is appropriate to say hi to people you know. AT LEAST A WAVE! xD Ayy nako...[kinda like "oh my gosh" in tagalog] Well anyway, so i dunno...ive been angry at just the fact that people are so rude, and stuck up and their jerky-ness. Like i tolerate it or try to...but its just so...i dont know...annoying? Im not sure what word i would like to use...but im just tired of giving them the benefit of the doubt. If the same thing happens every time, there must be another reason instead of "they didnt see me...again...when im RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM" you feel me?? x] Well back to the subject =P I have gotten to the point where i feel like i shouldnt be nice anymore...like i want to be this jerk...where i can just not care. Not care if people dont say hi, or dont say hi, or if they are being rude or whatever. You know? I have been raised to not make confrontation, and to just let things go and to be nice, no matter who it is. I strive to not judge people by the way they look, and to try to see the good and beauty in everyone. I know people arent like me, but have they not heard those sayings?? Sure you may not be the same religion as me but if you havent even heard of love thy neighbor as thyself or even TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED and not even TRY to apply that to your life. I think you. are. a jerk. -__- Maybe I expect too much out of people now a days…I shouldnt even be saying these kinds of things x[ but what happend to manners? and common courtesy. Are you not aware people?? Blehh…I know my children will not grow up (well hope they wont) grow up and forget their manners. Because honestly…forgetting that saying--or whatever it is called--it really just led to the world we live in today…is it not? Im going in way too deep with this subject haha x]

But anyway so i was looking up the Ten Commandments. And another reason to add to why i was looking it up was just the fact that i felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt as if maybe im the problem. Or maybe God is putting me through a trial, to make me grow stronger and wiser and more patient. Boy, do i need patience xP And like i was crying, about how bad of a christian i am…and how i need to change and how i want God to help me, and for Him to take the wheel. Like i honestly need Him in my life…And im glad i do have Him in my life. And i was just like wondering why i have all these good things in my life, when i dont even deserve them. And like i know that if you "ask, you shall receive" but i dont want to ask God for things. Like how selfish is that? Well i know not to ask for a car xD omgosh i sound so stupid.. but you know?? Well wen i mean ask, like when i ask for things to get better…i dont want to ask for things like that…well when i say things get better i mean for me. not for someone else…but anyway..i dont want to do that because for someone who breaks His 10 Commandments, i should not ask for my sickness to get better, for my boy problems to end and whatever. You know?

All i want to do is please God, make Him happy. But recently, i havent, and i feel like if he wasnt such a loving and forgiving God….he would hate me..and be ashamed..and here comes the tears…x[ and i feel like i need to change…and im striving to. Starting tomorow. Ima try hard, and im really really wanting to be the person that God wants me--or his children--to be.

So yea, i looked up the ten commandments, andddddd i want to get a tattoo. xD yea weird little random…thing. x] Well i want to get a tattoo of a few words and maybe a cross behind it…the words…i was thinking something in the lines of…"Live Life for The Lord" Yes? I want it short. Im scared x] but i want it to remind why i live each and everyday. Who im living for each and everyday, yes also for my parents, but mostly for The Lord. And I think I need it…I know, i shouldnt have to be reminded, but i dont want something or someone to distract me and pull me away from Him and I would forget my purpose or goals you know? I think it would be good. =]

Omgosh..I have been typing for almost an hour. "GG" xD

I dont think i want to post my link to my facebook…i dont know if people are even interested. But i like being able to put my thoughts out. And i hope that YOU--yes, person who is reading this blog xD --enjoyed reading my thoughts. Sorry if it was boring and random, and repetitive (and hopefully not confusing hehe) but thats what was in my mind and it went in directly hehe. Also i would like to know how you found this blog and why you are reading it haha x] I just wanna see what happends. But if someone (aka you, mister or miss reader) were to find this and read it, you seriously randomly found this. Haha okay. GOOD NIGHT. =]

Final mood: Tired and ready to sleep

5:29 am